This quote has been my life for the last 7 months...
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much. -Mother Teresa
It hasn't been easy. We are still having a lot of behavior issues with the girls. Some of the issues are the same since we brought them home and some are new. Truthfully I thought things would be a lot easier by now. It is so hard to know what to do at times and how to effectively parent an adopted children. I read the books and do the things that I think will work, because I want to be the best mom that I can be. But it isn't always that easy, there are days it all gets thrown back in my face and I feel I am back at Hannah's Hope, 7 months ago, picking up these two little girls that are complete strangers to me.
My friend send me THIS BLOG POST (a must read) and it was my wake up call and then...
last night it hit me and hit me hard...
The girls will often talk about their birth father and we are still in the midst of figuring out all the other people that they talk about. Last night Hannah and I were talking and she was telling me about her birth father's house and who all lived here. Then she turned to me and said, "Mommy, I no like your house. I like (birth father's) house."
A SLAP IN THE FACE...
but not a slap in the face of how dare she do that...
A SLAP IN THE FACE...
As in, who am I to think that 7 months is all it will take to make these girls realize we are their forever family.
Who am I to think that just because I show them love that they are naturally going to trust me.
It is going to take A LOT more than 7 months to heal their broken hearts.
They will be 3 next week, so in reality they haven't been with us long. Life in Ethiopia is ingrained in them. And that is mostly a good thing. I want them to remember the details and I love hearing their stories, but I pray that some day the memory of the hardships in Ethiopia will be gone. I am sure that is naive thinking, but as a mom I couldn't pray anything different.
I really needed that slap in the face. Thank you, Hannah.
14 comments:
Oh, Tisha. You (and Monty) are the perfect parents for these girls. God has set you apart to nurture and love them unconditionally. Though it may not always seem like it to you, you are doing a wonderful job! Progress is slow, but the Lord has gone before you and He is working in these girls' hearts through you. I pray that this week you get one small glimpse of this truth.
Wow. I agree that would be hard to hear from your little girl. But, you are so right about seeing the situation from their point of view and the fact that it will take a lot of time. God is good to bring them to you before even more years of difficulty had to be lived out in E. It was great to see you at LHE!
i love how you play on the double meaning of "a slap in the face". i appreciate how you don't take things seriously, but let them be where they need to be. and how you are honest in the midst of it. your love is beautiful...even if you feel like it falls short sometimes. i know i don't know them and that it will take time, but i see a twinkle in their eyes that says "i am loved". praying for you. i've read that post before and it is GREAT.
Ouch. I know too well the feeling. Six months after we brought the boys home, I had to fly out to TX to find a house for us to move to. N was at training. We left the boys for a few days with my sister and her kids. When I got back, Ashenafi was angry with me. He did not want to go with me, and he told me he wanted Aunt Beth to be his Mommy. Different than your experience, but the same pain factor.
Who are we to expect for their pain and loss to be healed with a few months or even years of the constant Bandaid of our love? You are oh, soooo right. If a member of our family died today, we would carry it with us forever, and if someone asked us if we would like them to take away the memory, we would say NO WAY. We NEED those memories. They are part of who we are.
I am impressed, actually, that Hannah had the language to say what she said, and you probably realize what a blessing that is. By the time Ashenafi had the language to tell us what he was feeling, all of the Ethiopia memories were gone.
It is a blessing that she can remember, because you can help her address her loss and deal with her grief. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of reality. Now I know how to better pray for you.
Thank for your honesty and the love you show daily to your girls. I know that it is probably not easy especially during the transitional phases, but I appreciate your perspective.
Blessings,
Amy
So true! Joshua yesterday had "an episode" actually it had been a continuing "episode" for the last few days. One in which he melts down completely! He has been with us since he was 3. We were his foster parents for 3 years before we were able to adopt him. In the mean time there were visits happening all the time with the biological family. It really did a lot to his brain, emotions, how he controls those emotions, how he relates to us, etc. PRAYING!!!! Yesterday during this episode- all I could do is pray- outloud- and try my best to hold him, and let him know I will NEVER give up on him, that God LOVES him even more than me and that's a lot, and that God will Heal his broken heart.
I love that quote! I need that up on my wall :)
Praying for you.....it takes time you are right. Hang in there!!!
praying for you guys...kristi
personally, I think the hardest part is when you feel like you are "getting somewhere" with love and attachment, and then BAM! you are right back to day one of being strangers and screaming/yelling/hitting that you cannot seem to figure out and you just want to STOP. but for me, I also realized something just this past week--I needed to menatlly stop tiptoeing around the fact that Z was adopted and trying to deal with her behaviors and all of the sudden I thought well, how would I handle this in any of my children? what are the boundaries in our home for our children? they needn't be different so all of the sudden I felt less like a mess and more like 'hey, this isn't my first rodeo!! I am the mom here!' and the behaviors seemed easier to deal with for some reason in my mind-not b/c they stopped b/c they have not and they are still annoying and I still want them to STOP, but it didn't feel like some foreign concept that was confusing me and making me feel help/hopeless, you know what I mean? I know there are separate needs and concerns that come with adopted kiddos, and they DO need some extra love/wiggle room to test the boundaries, but they also need to know how things work in our family, in THEIR family, b/c they ARE part of THIS family and they are expected to function as members of our family. in no way diminishes their needs for love, rather it says I love you enough to treat you like you are part of this family just like every other kiddo here and that behavior doesn't fly here. AND "I will still snuggle you and never leave you despite the fact that that behavior doesn't fly here" is just what they, and ANY child, needs to know. I hear you, girl, it IS hard, and it is hard when it seems like for so many others it is not hard--but God put us in this journey with others so we can hold on to one another and help/uplift/drag/cajole one another along!! :) hang in there and know you are not alone!!
i love how honest you are tisha. thank you. we have been fortunate to not have attachment issues, but i'm very much aware that many people do. and who knows... we still could have some issues at some point?? praying for you all as you work through this. those little girls are completely blessed to have you as their forever family.
Praying that God continues to heal the brokenness in your girls' hearts, and continues to bond their forever family together. I liked the post you referenced. I believe that loving the person instead of the behavior is a good reminder to us all, whether our children were created in our womb or in someone elses.
Tisha, I know it takes courage to share your reality, but I believe your sharing will bless many. I have been thanking God today for what He is showing you and opening your eyes to. His plan is being worked out here. You are the perfect mama for those little girls and He knew that you would love them through thick and thin. I love to imagine ahead to our eternal reality and see the incredible rewards and blessings that come with obedience. I am praying for you and rejoicing with you in God's faithfulness in showing us things when we need it the most.
praying for you, it is hard, i wonder when mahlet will talk about ethiopia
So hard. When Macy begins speaking more English, I wonder if she will speak of her life in Ethiopia...she was there until she was 21 months old. I want her to remember and to hear what she remembers, but at the same time that will be very hard. Hugs to you for being such a great mom by being thankful for a good slap in the face. :)
Theresa
This was actually so encouraging to read. I get a little tired of people downplaying the past. In the last week I've had multiple people comment that, "he doesn't remember" or "he's all settled now" or whatever and I'm like, "NO!", this kid has indellible marks from his past. So what he was 18 months old when I adopted him, yes I do believe he eats that way because he remembers starving, and he lashes out that way because he remembers abandonment. But only you guys get it, so glad to have some company!
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